His Due Date

As February 27th draws nearer, I find myself sinking deeper into the loss of Lincoln. I find that my sadness this month has been hitting me harder and more unexpectedly. It’s almost like in the first month or two when every little thing made me think of my pregnancy. I am so hypersensitive to anything baby right now.

I remember once my sister asking me if I thought my due date would be hard. I told her I didn’t think it would as I don’t have much association with that date because I knew I would go over. I was very wrong.

When I’m sitting close to a table, all I can think is that this should be uncomfortable. When I was so sick last week I thought I might need to go to the hospital for dehydration, I wondered if I had still been pregnant this would have started labor. When I bought furniture for our room this week, my thoughts went to how I would have been buying baby things with this money right now. I would be preparing for his entrance into the world and our lives.

As his due date comes closer faster than I ever anticipated, all I feel is this sorrow. I think of the celebration of life we won’t be experiencing in early march. I think of all the diapers we won’t be changing. I think of all the little cries and cues that we won’t ever hear from our second son.

The why us’s come crashing down again and I’m angry about the fact that our son won’t be coming home alive to us just like in the beginning.

For a date that I thought would have little impact on my emotions, I feel like I’ve lost him all over again.