A month and a holiday

WARNING

There is a picture of Lincoln’s hands at the bottom. If that is something you don’t want to see, please leave now.

Three days ago was Lincoln’s first month.

One month since my sweet baby was born.
One month since I’ve held him.
One month since I’ve kisses his sweet face.
One month.

I suspect that eventually, this achy hole in my heart won’t hurt so badly anymore. Eventually it will dull down. That hasn’t happened yet though. It still hurts as much as it did when we found out he was gone.

I think the hardest part is no one really acknowledges him. Sometimes it would be nice to hear other people say his name. My husband does sometimes and my sister will to but other than that, no. It’s like he never existed and that kills me. I want to share his pictures. I want to talk about how happy he made me for the short time he was around. Even if I cry, I’m just sad he’s gone, not that he was here.

Tomorrow, I’ll be celebrating out first major Holiday without him. Yes, we went through Halloween but I slept while Chris took the kids out. I was kind of disconnected from myself then. Tomorrow, I will be dealing with family members I haven’t seen yet. Tomorrow, I’ll be thinking about how I would be showing. How Lincoln would probably be kicking hard enough to feel on the outside now. How I wouldn’t be able to eat too much because Lincoln always made me so full so fast. How I should be exhausted when I go shopping with my mother in low tomorrow night/friday.

This year, even though I feel like I had a piece of myself stolen from me, I am so thankful for the 22 weeks I got with him. I’m so thankful for that morning sickness. I’m thankful for the exhaustion I felt. I’m so thankful for the sore breast and on and off bleeding. I’m thankful for the kicks I got to feel while he was still with us. I’m thank for the pictures, prints, his blanket and his little bunny.

 

Handsframe

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