I started the new me and it’s exciting. #Keto

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So I’m 22 days into the keto diet.

Over the years, I’ve tried to lose weight. For a bit, I was successful. Like in 2012 when I lost close to 30lbs and started running. I felt wonderful then. I enjoyed running so much. It was internal therapy to push all my negative feelings into getting my feet moving. I could think and yell and be mad but after a run, I felt resolved. If I was having a particularly hard depression/self hate time, I could beat myself up healthily with a run.

I’ve missed it desperately. I really have. Being the weight I am now, it’s been difficult to move beyond day-to-day life. Lincoln died. And then the twins surprised us. We moved. My marriage has hit a pretty hard rough spot. There is excuse after excuse why I haven’t been able to get it going. But I’m done with that shit. I’m ready to get back to my therapy. I’m ready to not be so tired I can’t function. I’m ready to be able to keep up with my kids.

See, when the boys were born, I gained about 35 lbs and when you’re already 300 lbs at 5’3″ that is no good. I’ve struggled so much with my body image as of late as well as always just feeling miserable. Every time I would attempt to control my eating habits, as soon as I started seeing the scale move, I would self sabotage and eat everything terrible for me. When I gave up diet coke, I really feel like that was a major starting point for me. It’s been a habit for me for close to 8 years and to finally kick it after saying time and time again that I would, felt amazing. It made me feel like I could for real accomplish something after years and years of being a quitter when it came to tough stuff.

Then in September, I felt like I was screwed in the health department. I was never gonna do it. Never lose weight and probably die young of a heart attack because I wasn’t taking care of my body. I looked into surgery and honestly it’s just something I can’t justify to my brain because I feel like I can do it without. I know how well some do with it but I wasn’t ready for potential complications. Also I’m terrified of anesthesia. If ever something cosmetic comes up, I’m reallyyyyy going to have to want it to overcome that hurdle.

So here I am, 22 days into Keto. I’m down to 319 even after starting at 336.2 lbs with my next official weigh in on Sunday. I did not much in the way of exercise today but that okay, because I’m working on it. I’m excited to see what future me becomes!

Getting Run Ready

Earlier this year, I signed up for one of the Disney runs that will be happening in February 2018. There were three races that one could sign up for and a challenge. A 5k, 10k and half marathon with the challenge consists of doing all three over a three day period. And although I don’t have the list at the moment, a Disney Run was on my before 30 bucket list so it’s time to get run ready.

I signed myself up for the 5K and 10K. While I’ve done a 5k before, it’s been about 4 years since I’ve actually trained for any type of run. I’m currently 30 pounds heavier than I was last time I started so my first step has been to eat better. I haven’t been incredible successful but I am really proud to say I have completely cut out diet coke from my diet! It’s been 30 days since my last diet coke and honestly, I’m so glad I was finally able to be free from it. I know some people will wonder how it can be so difficult to quit pop but it was. Every time I tried, it would be like I quit cigarettes because I would turn into a monster. Thanks to my friend streptococcus making my throat feel like glass for days on end, it was easier not to go back.

With 178 days or roughly 25 weeks until my runs, it’s time to get my butt in gear because with the weight I’ve gained, I can’t just start safely running. Right now this will be my schedule. I have the first 13 or so weeks put together. In there I’ll have to fit working on my pace because the Disney Runs require a 16 minute/mile pace but I’m hoping to get myself up to 15 to be on the safe side!

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
Week 1 (8/28-9/3) Walk .5 mile Walk 1 mile Walk .5 mile Walk 1 mile Walk .5 mile Walk 1 mile Walk .5 mile
Week 2 (9/4-9/10) Walk 1 mile Walk 1.5 miles Walk 1 mile Walk 1.5 miles Walk 1 mile Walk 1.5 miles Walk 1 mile
Week 3 (9/11-9/17) walk 1.5 miles Walk 2 miles Walk 1.5 miles Walk 2 miles Walk 1.5 miles Walk 2 miles Walk 1.5 miles
Week 4 (9/18-24) Walk 2 miles Walk 2.5 miles Walk 2 miles Walk 2.5 miles Walk 2 miles Walk 2.5 miles Walk 2 miles
Week 5 (9/25-10/1) Walk 2.5 miles Walk 3 miles Walk 2.5 miles Walk 3 miles Walk 2.5 miles Walk 3 miles Walk 2.5

I missed my walk yesterday due to dental appointments for all of the kiddies but I’m making up for it with the extra half mile on my walk today!

Guess who’s back, back again.

Its been… a while. About 9 months since I’ve written anything more than an instagram post or a date in my calendar book. I wasn’t sure I would have get the writing bug again. It’s like life fell off after losing Lincoln and I just couldn’t be bothered with it anymore. My pregnancy with the twins had me in constant fear that I would be coming home from the hospital yet again with empty arms.

And then they were here. And perfect. Life became an adjusting game. Adjusting to having two kids in school. Having two babies going through most of the same stages or at least one after another. And I gave up on blogging. I just stopped. I could motivate myself to get it done and I’m 100% the depression of what our life situation was at the time influenced that. But because I wasn’t taking better care, I lost everything of my previous site. I thought I was backing it up and doing it right and I was in fact not.

So this is a clean slate I suppose. A way to start again while finally feeling content in my life once more.

Cilantro-lime shrimp for healthy eats

Cilantro-lime shrimp is something I’ve often seen on pinterest and wanted to try. This week my husband and I decided to take the plunge into healthier eating and while look for meals, a lot of them had shrimp. So this was it. This was my chance to finally grab everything I needed and dive straight into this delicious looking creation.

After I got started on prep, it wasn’t too hard to feel like I was moving in the right direction. The scent going through the house was even so appetizing that even my picky eater asked to sample this dish!

Cilantro-Lime-Shrimp-Prep

I was worried at first that it was going to suck. I mean even with the house smelling good enough to eat, I really don’t have a hugely successful track record when it comes to cooking. I can bake but asking me to cook is like committing taste bud suicide. Most times, my creations tend to be bland. Even when I follow directions, I fail. This time though, I think these yummy little shellfish came out perfect!

I loved that this dish is healthy but it’s also simple. There were few steps for prep and it really took me less than 10 minutes. My only suggestion is to devein the shrimp beforehand. Most people would be smart and do this but in my excitement to try cilantro-lime shrimp, I waited until my pan was completely heated to even get started on it!

Cilantro-Lime-Shrimp-Tacos

When I finished, these bad boys were booming with flavor. I decided they would work really well in tacos with a slice of avocado. These little shrimp were scrumptious and the perfect entree to kick off our healthy eating! Below you can find the recipe and how to to prepare them! I know these will become a new favorite lunch, especially for someone like me who can appreciate ease when cooking. I hope that if you try these, you enjoy them as much as I did.

Serves 8-10 Shrimp

Cilantro-lime shrimp

a delicious and healthy meal with a few simple ingredients.

10 minPrep Time

20 minCook Time

30 minTotal Time

Save RecipeSave Recipe

Ingredients

  • ½ lb. 40/50 Count of Shrimp(I think this is medium sized) deveined
  • 1 TBSP Olive Oil
  • ⅛-1/4 TSP Chili Powder
  • 2 cloves of fresh Garlic
  • ¼ Cup White Onion
  • 1-2 Limes
  • Cilantro

Instructions

  1. Devine shrimp if they aren't already.
  2. Using medium heat, add olive oil to pan to warm up.
  3. Cut up garlic and onion. Add to pan.
  4. Add Chili powder and saute garlic and onion.
  5. Once garlic and onion start to lightly brown, add shrimp, a few leaves of cilantro and a squeeze or two of lime juice.
  6. Cooke 1-3 minutes on each side until shrimp turns pink.
  7. Remove shrimp to bowl or plate.
  8. Garnish with cilantro and a few small squeezes of lime juice.
Recipe Type: Dinner
7.6.4
1
http://allieferriera.com/cilantro-lime-shrimp-healthy-eats/

Dear Lincoln

Dear Lincoln-

In just two short weeks you’ll have been born 6 months ago. SIX. How? I feel like I say that every time. How has so much time gone by. How have some days seemed to fly while others I feel like I can barely move under this crushing sadness. Some days it doesn’t seem real. How am I a mother to a baby who died? Why didn’t I get to meet you, get to know you and who you would have been?

It’s hard baby. Some days I try hard not to think about it. About the day we found out you weren’t alive anymore. About wanting to have you so I could start mourning the lose of you completely. But it comes rushing back at times. At the weirdest times really. Whenever we’re on the part of highway driving towards were the doctors office was, I remember joking with daddy about find out if you were a boy or a girl. Telling him I wouldn’t let him in on the secret. Sometimes when I see diet dr pepper, I remember how much I craved it with you. For awhile, I couldn’t even buy pickles because they were an us food.

These little memories can really throw a wrench in mommy’s day. I’ll be honest, it doesn’t take much. There will be days when I feel fine. When I feel like I can talk about you without crying, but I’m wrong. Every time. There are days when it seems like you were a dream come true turned into a nightmare ending that I can’t wake up from.

There are times when it feels like it’s a good idea to go talk to someone because of how much my heart hurts and then there is this part of me that says “what can they do?”. I think I’ll always just be this broken person inside who was supposed to have a Landon, Emmie and Lincoln. And while I’ll always have you, it won’t ever be normal.

You sister and brother miss you to and those days, when they ask questions are the hardest. “Why did Lincoln die?” “When will you have another baby?” or the real stab “Will the next baby die?” These questions kill me to have to answer. I want to tell Emmie she needs to back away from you and give you space and not have explain that it will probably be a long time before we have another baby.

You were it little man. You were our last and now when I think about providing you more siblings, it feels like I’m trying to replace you. I feel guilty and unworthy of being your mama. This post loss stuff is hard. Some days when you’re on my mind little because I try to keep busy and I remember, I feel like I didn’t deserve you. It’s all a blame game really. I blame your death on how deserving of you I was. I wasn’t very apparently because you aren’t here like you should be.

Mommy misses you.

White Chocolate cheesecake with Raspberry sauce

Cheesecake seems to be a favorite right now. I’ve always loved it but until recently, never made it. Well this is the second one I’ve tried and I feel like I won’t be stopping anytime soon. This recipe came from my sister’s Mother in law. As far as cheesecake goes, it’s fairly simple and easy to follow recipe. I do have some tips though that can make it go much easier.

WC-Cheesecake-Crust

Use a Mixer

There are many you can choose from. If you’re on a limited budget, a hand mixer will work. Personally, I adore my stand mixer and use it every opportunity I can. It would have been well worth the investment if my in laws and hubby hadn’t worked together to get it for me for Christmas.
WC-Cheesecake-Batter

Use a Silicone Round Mold

We used a 10″ Round Silicone Cake Mold Pan . It was slightly flimsy but it helps so much when it comes to getting the cheesecake out for presentation. When I made my last one, I wasn’t able to get it out with ease like this one. I would suggest putting the round pan in the larger pan you plan on using for the water bath before you pour in the batter. If you can’t get a 10″ silicone pan, two smaller 8″ one would probably make two thinner cheesecakes. And with the parchment paper on the sides, you may even be able to get it out of a non silicone pan with more ease than not. This just makes it so you don’t have to really flip it.

WC-Cheesecake-baking

Decorate

This can be done a couple way. We used two. We melted white chocolate and made shavings out of it. Do a LOT of these. It makes it look so nice. Also, because of my son’s food allergies, we had to use an store brand. My sister mother in law said Nestles White Chocolate chips do much better than the kind we had. It was very hard to make them with what we had.(Use way more than what you see in the last picture) Another idea is using raspberry sauce. I used this recipe. Keep in mind when cooking it down that you need a strainer to get the seeds out and you probably want it a little thicker than sauce. It was delicious but runny. Next time I make it, I will look for ways to thicken it.

raspberry-sauce

Presentation

I loved a good cake stand for final presentation. It give the cake a classy look and personally I feel it makes it stand out. The one below is from Kohls and at first I was unsure it was going to fit but honestly it’s perfect!

cheesecake-

Serves 1 Slice

White Chocolate cheesecake with Raspberry sauce

Scrumptious white chocolate treat to satisfy and sweet tooth!

10 hrPrep Time

2 hrCook Time

12 hrTotal Time

Save RecipeSave Recipe

Ingredients

    Crust
  • 1 package of Graham crackers
  • 2 tablespoons sugar
  • 1 stick of butter
  • Cheesecake
  • 2 cups of white sugar
  • 4 eight ounce packages of cream cheese(room temp)
  • 5 eggs
  • Up to a tablespoon of vanilla
  • ⅓ cup sour cream
  • 8 ounces white chocolate melted
  • Raspberry Sauce
  • 16 ounces
  • ¼ cup white sugar

Instructions

  1. Preheat oven to 310 degrees.
  2. Line bottom of silicone pan with parchment paper.
  3. For the Crust, put the graham crackers in a bag and crush them up very fine with a rolling pin. Add the 2 tablespoons of sugar and shake bag.
  4. Melt the stick of butter. Add the crumb mix until it's well mixed.
  5. Press crumb mix into the bottom of the pan until it's even. Let sit while you finish the cheese cake mix.
  6. Mix cream cheese and two cups of sugar together.
  7. Once well mixed add eggs one at a time. After mixing each one, be sure to to use a rubber spatula to scrap down the sides.
  8. After the eggs add the vanilla, sour cream and melted white chocolate. Mix until well blended.
  9. Cut 2 pieces that are about four inches wide of parchment paper to go around the bowl. They should overlap.
  10. After placing the paper against the insides of the pan, pour all of the batter into the pan.
  11. Place the baking old into a bigger lasagna pan or a pan that goes up about 2 inches.
  12. Fill until pan with water until it reaches the about the half way mark on the baking mold.
  13. Place in oven and bake at 310 degrees for about 2 hours or when the edges get golden brown.
  14. When it's done, leave it in the water bath until the water is room temp.
  15. Place cake in oven and let set for about 8 hours or overnight.
Recipe Type: Dessert
7.6.4
2
http://allieferriera.com/white-chocolate-cheesecake-raspberry-sauce/

His Due Date

As February 27th draws nearer, I find myself sinking deeper into the loss of Lincoln. I find that my sadness this month has been hitting me harder and more unexpectedly. It’s almost like in the first month or two when every little thing made me think of my pregnancy. I am so hypersensitive to anything baby right now.

I remember once my sister asking me if I thought my due date would be hard. I told her I didn’t think it would as I don’t have much association with that date because I knew I would go over. I was very wrong.

When I’m sitting close to a table, all I can think is that this should be uncomfortable. When I was so sick last week I thought I might need to go to the hospital for dehydration, I wondered if I had still been pregnant this would have started labor. When I bought furniture for our room this week, my thoughts went to how I would have been buying baby things with this money right now. I would be preparing for his entrance into the world and our lives.

As his due date comes closer faster than I ever anticipated, all I feel is this sorrow. I think of the celebration of life we won’t be experiencing in early march. I think of all the diapers we won’t be changing. I think of all the little cries and cues that we won’t ever hear from our second son.

The why us’s come crashing down again and I’m angry about the fact that our son won’t be coming home alive to us just like in the beginning.

For a date that I thought would have little impact on my emotions, I feel like I’ve lost him all over again.

Where Ive been

I’m here. I’m alive. Lately though it’s just been hard to find the want to do anything. I think as Lincoln’s due date gets closer, that might be how it feels. I feel so close to having to let him go because soon he would have been here.

Yesterday I went and bought a new car. This was always the plan because our other car didn’t fit three car seats and we also needed two cars. One just wasn’t doing it for us anymore. The whole time, all I thought about was how if I was still pregnant I would be to big to enjoy car shopping.

Some days are easier than others. Many days my heart feels heavy from the weight of missing the child I won’t even get to meet. I know I’ve said it in other posts but I just always wonder who he would have been. What he would have loved. Would he have been left handed or right handed?

I’ll never know anything beyond that I loved him, he was 10 inches and 11 ounces. He was my little giraffe. I miss him so much that sometimes it’s hard to function.

But I’m here. I’m getting through most days. Sometimes though it’s hard for me to find the want to write or do much of anything.