In just two short weeks you’ll have been born 6 months ago. SIX. How? I feel like I say that every time. How has so much time gone by. How have some days seemed to fly while others I feel like I can barely move under this crushing sadness. Some days it doesn’t seem real. How am I a mother to a baby who died? Why didn’t I get to meet you, get to know you and who you would have been?
It’s hard baby. Some days I try hard not to think about it. About the day we found out you weren’t alive anymore. About wanting to have you so I could start mourning the lose of you completely. But it comes rushing back at times. At the weirdest times really. Whenever we’re on the part of highway driving towards were the doctors office was, I remember joking with daddy about find out if you were a boy or a girl. Telling him I wouldn’t let him in on the secret. Sometimes when I see diet dr pepper, I remember how much I craved it with you. For awhile, I couldn’t even buy pickles because they were an us food.
These little memories can really throw a wrench in mommy’s day. I’ll be honest, it doesn’t take much. There will be days when I feel fine. When I feel like I can talk about you without crying, but I’m wrong. Every time. There are days when it seems like you were a dream come true turned into a nightmare ending that I can’t wake up from.
There are times when it feels like it’s a good idea to go talk to someone because of how much my heart hurts and then there is this part of me that says “what can they do?”. I think I’ll always just be this broken person inside who was supposed to have a Landon, Emmie and Lincoln. And while I’ll always have you, it won’t ever be normal.
You sister and brother miss you to and those days, when they ask questions are the hardest. “Why did Lincoln die?” “When will you have another baby?” or the real stab “Will the next baby die?” These questions kill me to have to answer. I want to tell Emmie she needs to back away from you and give you space and not have explain that it will probably be a long time before we have another baby.
You were it little man. You were our last and now when I think about providing you more siblings, it feels like I’m trying to replace you. I feel guilty and unworthy of being your mama. This post loss stuff is hard. Some days when you’re on my mind little because I try to keep busy and I remember, I feel like I didn’t deserve you. It’s all a blame game really. I blame your death on how deserving of you I was. I wasn’t very apparently because you aren’t here like you should be.
Mommy misses you.