Yesterday was two weeks. Two weeks since my baby born was born sleeping. This last two weeks has been hard but I feel like this week has been worse. Excruciating really.
In the first week after my sweet Lincoln came into this world, it was a lot of waiting. We had to wait the weekend away to see if our baby had been picked up by the funeral home. We had to wait for the memorial cards I ordered from tiny prints. We waited for the pictures I ordered from shutterfly. We had to wait for his urn to be done and ship to us. We waited at the funeral home to see him one last time before he was cremated. We waited for him to be cremated so we could finally bring him home. We waited.
But then his memorial cards came in. His pictures came in. His urn arrived. We picked him up from the funeral home. And now the waiting is done. We’re done waiting for things for Lincoln and he’s just gone. There isn’t anything else to wait for. There are now only the little things that we’ll do so we don’t ‘forget’ him. So that the memory of him doesn’t go away with us but lives on with his siblings to. That they always know that even if their brother didn’t live, that doesn’t mean he isn’t still their little brother.
One of my favorite ways of honoring and remembering my little man was in the form of a tattoo. One of the reasons I love it, is because even today after I’ve had my motherhood tattoo for three years, my kids still ask me about it. They still love looking at it and telling me which one is them. On Wednesday, I got Lincoln’s tattoo. Some may think it would be too soon but once I have an idea, it doesn’t die down until it’s inked. Case and point would be my TARDIS. This tattoo, is my favorite.
I feel like it’s completely me. Landon and Emmie love looking at it and want to give Lincoln kisses. It will be nice once it’s healed so they can do that.
It will always feel like there is something missing but I just have to look down at my shoulder and it makes me feel better, even if it’s just a little bit. I think it will always be the little things that get me through this. It will be when I get to feel his footprints on my necklace, holding his urn or when I catch a glimpse of his tattoo. It will be those things that help me ground me for just a little bit. That help me remember that even though my baby is gone, I will always have a him with me in some form.